Harry´s Blog

Herbert Kuhner

CNN lags behind Fox in the polls. Why?
The answer is simple: Fox puts on a better show.
Malice always sells well. Morality - less so.

Some say that CNN has an assortment
of carney barkers and kindergarten teachers
that would be more appropriate for Sesame Street
and that the news is presented as a spectacle.

Those detractors are as wet as can be.
Has there ever been a more austere set
of deliverers of bad tidings and gossip?

But no matter what criticism is leveled,
no one could even dream of taking umbrage
with the star of stars, the friendly explainer
whose manifold explanations and exhortations
are not merely delivered orally,
but with sweeping rhapsodic hand gestures
and appropriate facial expressions.

She is so convincing and well-meaning
that you simply just have to agree with her.

Cynics have called her Goody-Two-Shoes,
But they’re merely envious of her following.

She wagged her finger at the Moslem Brotherhood,
those paragons of machismo and misogamy,
as well as advocates of indiscriminate violence,
rebuking them for their attitude towards women.

Morality is her business.
She’s fighting for a better world,
and she’s a paradigm of all good things.

No matter how bad the situation,
she’s in command, enunciating solutions
in her yummy-plummy manner.

Way to go Christiane!

Newscasters

I wondered about the decline in announcers. I thought that it was just part of the deterioration that is occurring in giant strides on all fronts. But there seems to be method to it. A BBC man in Vienna explained it this way: Previously newscasters talked down to you, but now they talk directly to you.

The old-style announcers spoke mellifluous English of either the British or American variety. They had information to convey to you, their descriptions had a literary quality and they brought a warm sense of humor into play. And God knows, humor is needed to make this strife- and war-torn world bearable!

Some people might appreciate learning and being entertained at the same time, but others might not like having to perk up their ears. An articulate and eloquent man or women might make you feel inferior if you lacked his or her verbal dexterity.

Egalitarianism is the way of the future!

Don’t think that nepotism is responsible for bad pronunciation or bad delivery!

Here’s how the new batch of announcers are being hired: Scouts are sent to search for them on the streets. If they see someone who looks like he’s never turned the pages of a book, he or she is stopped and asked: “Sir (or madam), have you ever read a book?” If the answer is no, the pitch is made. “We’ve got a wonderful job for you!”

Here’s how commentators are picked: Scouts get the addresses of housewives who are homebodies. They go to an address and ring the bell, and if the homebody lets them in, they enter to make their pitch. A high, squeaky voice is no deterrent, nor is a low grating one - and certainly not non-regional accent. A legitimate accent or a brogue or a burr is, of course, an impediment. If the scouts see an open book on the table - unless it’s pulp fiction, they high-tale it out.

So that’s how we get TV-partners who makes us feel more at ease that the dullards who are contestants in the quiz shows.

So not much wit finds it’s way into the evening news, but once in a while, however, some humor does creep into a delivery, albeit involuntarily. Just recently a new-type announcer said that the Rolling Stones had gone down in the “anals” of rock history. She may have mispronounced annals, but by doing so, she got to the core of rock - and provided a chuckle.

Digital Ventriloquism

Let me start out by stating that every nation can boast about the fairness of its fair sex, albeit that some keep their women from competing by shrouding them from head to toe in public, so that no stranger can get an eyeful.

Forgive me for being prejudiced and chauvinistic, but I say that the most beautiful beauties of all are American beauties. I give them gold and the Italian and Spanish varieties get silver and bronze, respectively. There is only one fly in the ointment - the voices. Italian and Spanish women mostly have low, rasping voices. They emulate the ahooga horn as it used to be blown in jalopy traffic jams in days of yore. I’m not old enough to remember that but I can imagine it. The Spanish are the fastest in the world with an inimitable rat-tat-tat quality that cannot be superseded in velocity.

The American variety is high pitched and off key or as flat as can be. This is not inherent to the language, since the British women’s voices tend to be yummy and swallow-y. Of course the British would insist that theirs is a different language and that the language spoken State-side does not even stem from English.

The word siren does not accurately describe this sound, there’s a distortion of the word that is used in the two “Bs,” namely Brooklyn and the Bronx, which is more onomatopoetic. The word that accurately describes this sound is “sireen,” which rhymes with queen.

The highest pitch is reached when an engagement for marriage is announced in the midst of a bevy of peers. The shrieking and screeching transcends the sound barrier and is emitted during a ritualistic flapping of arms and high hopping.

These sounds, as well as the Latin low ones, I posit are one of the reasons for a decrease in heterosexuality, and I offer a solution by providing new sultry low voices via digital ventriloquism. The voices could be varied like a cell phone ring. Every woman could choose the one that she thought best suited her, and fewer men would be driven away by atonality.

Now I know that I am tampering and tinkering with natural sounds in favor of unnatural ones. But in this day and age where plastic surgery, transexuality and cloning run rampant, I say so what! Who cares whether a smooth, creamy voice comes from the vocal chords or a computer?

Addendum: Someone beat me to the punch. There already is a digital ventriloquist in use.
But it doesn’t improve anything. It makes all voices sound alike in a flat, nasal way, and the enunciation is as off as can be. Not only that, it stretches the mouth, making it slack. This ventriloquist is simply a bad product. Mine brings an individual melodious quality to each speaker making the voice music to the ears.