Harry´s Blog

from The Assembly-Line Prince
a novel by Herbert Kuhner

I was in the doldrums when Herby’s call came. He had a film Job for me. I was to do the limericks for Hans Fantel’s new sexcapade The Madam’s Hussar. I would also double as English speech coach. Herby was the hussar’s adjunct. The cast was international (and mostly unknown, except for the French has-been who would be paid two thousand dollars to present herself in the nude). The film would be dubbed into several languages, but. the actors, none of them English-speaking, would mouth their lines In English. They were speculating on striking it rich with the English version.

The hussar was a Giovanni type with comical overtones (His pants fell down during duels. But although pantless, he was always the victor.) The adjunct was a Leporello. He barged in on the ladies while they were bathing. But his activity was limited to eye-rolling and lip wetting. It was the hussar who got all the tail. And the adjunct - the pratfall.

The film opened with the presentation of credits and caricatures of the main actors printed and painted on wriggling areas of anatomy. The madam wasn’t really a madam at all but the hostess of an inn on the outskirts of Vienna. The hussar was her lover who sometimes strayed. The adjunct was the would-be love of the hostess’ chambermaid. The setting was 1809, the time of Napoleon’s second siege of Vienna. The emperor was convinced that the golden heart was nothing but a stone and the waltz, the worst abomination that had come upon the musical scene. Being old-fashioned, he preferred the gracious minuet. In order to eliminate the threat of the waltz, he had decided to sack and burn the city. On his way there, he spent the night in the hostess’ inn. He erroneously thought the inn, a bordello, and the hostess, a madam. To his dismay, he fell madly, head aver heels in love with her. But being virtuous and true to the hussar, she bravely resisted his advances. She used the excuse that she was off limits. Naturally being a gentleman, Napoleon did not force her to bestow her favors on him.

Meanwhile, the adjunct, hiding nude in a closet (he had tried to-catch the chambermaid unawares) overheard a conversation between Napoleon and Marshal Lannes, in which the destruction of Vienna was discussed.

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There is an official Committee whose task is to evaluate the artistic works of the late great Andy Warhole. In other words, the Committee separates the wheat from the chaff and sets a price on the former. Of course there is no real chaff since everything is wheat, but some of the wheat is worth a fortune, and some of it can be bought at a bargain rate.

It is not a simple matter to take an object off the conveyor belt of the assembly line and declare that this is the one that is worth millions. You have to have the knack for picking the right random can and grabbing it off the conveyor belt, while the others zip by on their way to the cardboard boxes that are packed and sent to the super market.

No, it is not a simple matter to pick the valid pea in the pod, but these astute men and women have the capacity for this complex undertaking.

Oh yes, needless to say the Committee cancels out the fakes ands the forgeries, which isn’t a lark by any means.
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I always loved Campbell’s Tomato Soup. When I was a child, my mother used to serve it to me mixed with milk and with a boiled potato in it. It was my favorite soup dish and I never got tired of eating it. Today I have sentimental attachment to it, although I now prefer Heinz Tomato Soup since it’s less sweet.

I liked the design of the can and the Campbell’s soup advertisements and I still do. However, in spite of my memory of Campbell’s, I doubt that the depiction of the can is a work of art. And the fact that the copy of the ad, like the can, came from a “factory” adds to my suspicion.

When the Campbell’s can was depicted naturalistically and declared to be a work of art, two things happened. The board of directors of the Heinz Food and Produce Company gnashed their teeth in unison and the doors of the art world were flung open to artists free of art.

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from Zwischenwelt, no. 4, June 2007, Vienna, p 38.

Fritz Hausjell, professor for journalism in Vienna and the Austrian Society for Exile Research (öge) have protested against the naming of the Salzburg Prize for Journalism after René Marcic, the former editor of the Salzburger Nachrichten. Hausjell and öge have proposed that this prize be named after Friderike and Stefan Zweig in the future.

René Marcic acquired his journalistic skills during the Third Reich period. He was Press Secretary for Journalism and Cultural Affairs at the Ustascha General Consulate in Vienna. In 1946 Marcic worked as court reporter in Salzburg and repeatedly came to the aid of former National Socialists. He became editor-in-chief of the Salzburger Nachrichten from in 1959 and held that position until 1964.

The Salzburger Nachrichten reacted to Hausjell’s initiative with an editorial on March 17, 2007 titled Grotesquery by Dangerous Anti-Nazi Activists. Here are segments:
“Again and again overzealous scholars of journalism awkwardly attempt to expose Marcic as a Nazi and anti-Semite….

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Here’s a Taliban speaker at the beginning of the century on the opposite sex:
“How can you trust anyone who bleeds once a month?!”

And here’s Australian Mufti Sheik Taj Din al-Halali on the subject of the opposite sex:
“If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden
or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it…
whose fault is it, the cats or the uncovered meat?
If she was in her room, in her home and covered up,
no problem would have occurred.” In the same sermon al-Hilaly
also alluded to the infamous Sydney gang rapes - carried out in 2000
by mainly Lebanese youths who received long jail sentences - suggesting
the attackers were not entirely to blame. He said there were women
who “sway suggestively” and wore make-up and immodest dress…
and then you get a judge without mercy and gives you 65 years.” (1)

As a man, I say men are disgusting creatures.

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